Responsibility in the School Space

Email question:

I am having difficulty getting my children to respect their school space.   All day I feel like not only am I getting things ready to teach but am also having to pick up and set up… have 3 children at completely different levels it begins to not feel fun.  Don’t get me wrong… they are great around the house, but when it comes to school… they wait for me.  I guess I should be grateful they are waiting nicely, huh.

My Response:

It sounds like you are dealing with a lack of autonomy.

Getting Children to have autonomy of a school space is vital for better cognition and more to the point of your question, having your children participate as well as take ownership(responsibility) of the school space.

Children need to have autonomy of a space, especially if you want them to work in it.   Sometimes we as mothers get so used to doing everything, (who else is going to do it right) that we often forget they are growing up, and can be capable on their own. 

Within self-determination theory in psychology, autonomy refers to ‘autonomy support vs control’, “hypothesizing that autonomy-supportive social contexts tend to facilitate self-determined motivation, healthy development, and optimal functioning.”   break it down to this:  if you control all of the school enviroment (i.e set up/ breakdown…or whatever else you are doing, that they could be doing) then they feel the need to not do anything.  They have no need to be motivated, which leads to “mom does it”, and fast forward to thoughts of “why bother”, “why am I even here.”  “Clearly I am not needed in this space.”  If it seems extreme, understand that even though autonomy is easy to create, doesn’t make it any less vital to your child’s  development.    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-determination_theory

By this omission of responsibility in the school space, we are in turn teaching them a sort of learned helplessness. 

According to Wortman, C. B., and Brehm, J. W. (1975) as well as,  a journal showing a revised model of LH in humans by Roth, These helpless experiences can associate with passivity, uncontrollability and poor cognition in people, ultimately threatening their physical and mental well-being.  So, what they are trying to say here is that Learned helplessness is helplessness.  Children who learn to be this way, often do not think… not for themselves and they are passive about changing this behavior. 

Doubt that your children are in danger of this?  Think I am way off my rocker?  Just take a minute to think, have you ever heard, “Mom, how do you spell…..  or I don’t know, its hard!  Can you help me?”  Its a slippery- slope people… If you heard this and told the answer or took the pen to just help a little, you aren’t far from the edge!

Say some of you reading this have teenagers. still waiting on you to wait on them.  Recently you feel you have become resentful… (“do I have to do everything around here!”  They tend to at this point look at us like we have grown two heads, and why not, we changed the game, not them.)  After this many years of being a mom, you realize its time for you to rest and them to not.  My advice, start earlier… start now.   Just start teaching autonomy before they move out and become the rest of society’s problem.

We have to drop our levels of perfection… notice I did not say level of expectation… just perfection.  I think that we should raise our expectation level allowing them to provide for themselves, at least on a small level.  The worst thing to do here is that, do.  I told you earlier that autonomy was easily created, and  it is.  Just don’t do everything.  Sure its not always going to be cut/colored/glued right.  Of course they will nag and whine about having to find it themselves, but autonomy is worth it in the end.  My favorite response to my little ones despairing tone of “I don’t know how to spellllllll ittttttt!”  or “Mom, what is 6X9 again? has always been “Darling, its not about what I know, its about what you can do!”  I have said it so often that they know the last part of the sentence means, “make it work!’(for the fashionista’s) or “Get’r done!” ( for the redneck persuasion).

Take a few minutes tonight (set a timer, 10 minutes… only!  The point being to not over think it.)  Ponder about the things you do to set up or break down a school space.  Then think “what can they do?”  Little ones for example,  can take out trash, pick up trash and turn on lights.  Big ones can straighten or set up spaces, clean boards and sharpen pencils.  Now take time to include the kids… you would be surprised at what they will want to do to help out.  Finally, make a chart… If you have young ones, please take time to make all the spaces friendly for them to understand, each child color coded, and pictures to represent chore titles.  It will take some training, one good consistent week should set the pace.  When all is running smoothly children will do what children do and it will not seem to work anymore.  That’s because they have become bored and you will now lack growth of autonomy.  Just switch up chores to prevent boredom.

Let me know what works and what doesn’t.  The only failure is not trying.